January 12th, 3:15pm.

I wanted to write a poem for my friends, and it's usually not hard to write something when I decide to, rather than wait for the inspiration to come, when I have great subjects.

but I really found it hard to do this poem.

What I wrote last year:

I'm not sure my friends have any idea how important they are to me. Someone told me that if I cared, I seemed to have a really stupid way of showing it. And it is true, I get stupid in showing these emotions to people, and I'm still trying to figure out what is me being sincere, and me trying to please others. I'm still awkward with these emotional expressions, still stiff with my embraces, stuttering in my dedications. I wish I wasn't so... human, so incapable of taking care of the people who needed me, of helping those who called for me; instead, I got caught up in my own insecurities, my personal tirade of schizophrenia. 'The world doesn't revolve around me' as one friend very aptly put.

I know this will not make up for all the stupid things I've done and the times I've never appreciated my friends fully, but I want to try anyway.

Happy New Year, everyone. :)

-

Air And Auroras

Do you remember the long conversations we had,
talking about the future and reminiscing the past?
Do you remember all that gossip we shared
as the ice melted in our fast food cups and time sped by like jet planes?
Remember the days we laughed and joked as if nothing could touch us?
Remember when music formed a bubble
and kept us warm through the night?

I remember absolute nonsense was created
with drinks or pure insanity from our minds.
I remember catching games during breaks in school,
having NERF wars in the living room,
screaming at strangers, jump shots at the beach.
I remember the movies punctuated with our whispers,
giggles and curses flying around our lips about
people we really liked and the teachers we hated.
I remember tears until we couldn't see, and
silence holding our hands.
I remember the hugs that said nothing,
but meant everything.

I'm sure I have everything, every beautiful memory
stored in my head, I'm sure that it's there,
because if you whacked my brain,
I wouldn't know know how to walk, how to move, how to breathe,
and it's not because my motor skills are controlled there, but because
every memory would have leaked out
and filled my bones with their weight in gold.
Your smiles would line my veins,
and I'd hide your complaints in the crack of my elbows.
Your secrets and antics hook on my ankles,
the shit we've been through and
the highs we've enjoyed pulling down my guts.
I'd carry your trust and promises,
the well wishes, gifts of time and patience
like crystals cradled in my palms.
My skin would be a quilt of 'hellos' and handshakes,
first impressions and events that started it all.

I wouldn't want to live
if I realized how many moments I've lost just by forgetting.
I wouldn't know how to live,
if it weren't for sunrises, good dinners, photos and words shared
with the people I love.

I could live with regrets and the mistakes I've made,
the ones that made me lose
memories I never got to create.
I could live with loneliness, an everlasting ice box for a chest.
I could live with no more stories,
no more music,
no more stars,
no more dreams.
I could live with all that,
because I have not paid for the price I should pay
for those perfect moments that happened to me:
those perfect seconds when I catch your eye and realize
you are my friend.

Thank you for memories and friendships
that were more than what I deserve.
You were, and still are, air to my lungs,
and auroras to my eyes.
Thank you for leaving your footsteps on my life.

-

To all my friends I have ever made and will make,

Happy New Year

SO.

Years from now I'd look back and scream at my past self for not writing down every detail of my life. Not that I would forget it, but maybe some perfectionist part of me would want to have the events in chronological order as well. Oh well, too bad future-self. You'd just have to make do.

Why the sudden update though, I might wonder, years in the future? The same thing Ms Chung should be wondering now (since she's the only person I know that still checks my LJ).

I don't like sleeping.

I suddenly feel like I'll miss out worlds of information or happenings if I do. Which is quite ironic since this means I'll end up sleeping in the day and literally, I would miss out on happenings. Or maybe it's the feeling of staying up when no one else does (and I mean, generally, not my friends since most of them stay up too) so it makes me feel like I'm working hard or something. Even though I'm not. God, I am so not hardworking right now, I disappoint myself.

Or maybe it's because I just don't like sleeping without feeling like I've accomplished something. This probably explains my last couple of weeks of late nights since I haven't done much of my homework. I haven't done as much as I wanted to, anyway.

I don't think I've talked about Lasalle or other stuff.
How amusing; Lasalle was supposed to be some huge turning point. I just have gotten lazier.

I think it comes with being older. I'm more impatient, more restless, more bored, more .. proud. I feel like I should be able to do things in a snap. Lasalle has proved me wrong on several accounts now. But I haven't learned my mistake. I just don't want to write any more because I don't feel like I write well.

And I also know how long a post can take and I decide that its a waste of time. I should do more constructive things.

Like Bejeweled. Right. I'm such a loser right now -_-

Probably a wrong time for an update since I didn't want this post to be depressing. But I am rather upset.
I was more upset yesterday, though, so I guess that's good.

It's so funny, it almost angers me. How Catharsis worked, and I feel like I'm so free I'm back to square one, right before I met him. And just as easily as I fell then, I am falling now.

Well, not really. I'm climbing up the pit I've dug myself so I should see the light soon.

It's the holidays (I keep telling myself) since I have far too much time to dwell on anything else but what I want.

Ah well. I will be glad to be over it. I'm giving myself too much pain and hurt.

-

Oh, I found someone whose birthday is the same as me.

I still wish I could forget my birthday.

I hate depressing myself. Suddenly, there are so many reasons why I wish I was born a little bit more stupid than I am now. I'm going to put my birthday on facebook for my friends to see on New Years Day. Since I'm also going to mass delete people I don't really want to have on my facebook friends list, I guess I can narrow down my fake wishers to a minimum. But still, it's such a depressing thing, to think too much and wonder if even those who are sincere to you, really like you for who you are.

I don't want people to just spend effort on me or my birthday. I just want one person, just one person (besides my family; in fact even my family don't go to that extent) to surprise me, to show me that hey, I do appreciate the day you were born and I am spending the effort not because everyone else is doing so but because I want to.

the feeling of being important, it's a need for us human beings.

I do love my friends, and (this is me over thinking) I don't mean to say that no one spends effort on me. I have incredible friends who do and I really love them for it, and understand that not everyone has the time to plan surprises or things that I like. I appreciate it al the same.

Which is why I think, having that special someone... it's like, how could you blame people in relationships for possibly choosing their significant other over their friends? Its not that the friends are not important; its because ultimately, friends mean friends, meaning A LOT OF PEOPLE. We can't sacrifice for everyone; if we could, then at least not at the same time.

But to have that one person, consider your presence in this world like a blessing, to thank stars and heavens for being born so that they could meet you, to feel like if you died, someone would hate you for removing yourself from this world.

To be loved romantically.
How can I not be a romantic when I think of such things?

And yet, I think I still have commitment issues. Hm.

-

I'm fine I guess.

I just hate realizing I'm not that special.

I want to be special. Even if love is blind, at least that connection, that feeling and chemistry is special because its the only one you'll ever have with that person. It's unique, no matter what people say (i.e. chemical reactions).

Oh dear, this came off sounding a bit more depressive than I wanted it to.

Maybe I'll post again before 2012. That would be nice.

 so depressed

Here is how Life works:

No one really cares about the intentions or the efforts you've put in to be better. If your end result, the final product, that last image you leave on peoples' minds is a bad one, then you lose. No one cares, and no matter how many friends try to convince you otherwise, it's the truth. Because if you don't give a shit about the consequences, someday one of those loyal friends will be so put off by your 'end result' they'll never look at you the same way again.

They'll never see you again, just that label they've stuck on top of your name.

So I'm through with trying to amend my mistakes, because I will never stop amending and you will never stop trying to find the one mistake that would bring me down again.
I'm through with trying to prove to people who obviously don't give a shit about me, that I am not such a horrible human being; if you don't bother trying to get the facts straight, don't assume/spread your assumptions as if they were true.

I can't restart, or re-do the wrongs I've done, and you just have to accept me right now, flawed and regrets poking out of my face. If you don't want to, I can't be bothered.

A post for Snape!

I think the main reason why I've never considered Snape a big role is because I was too busy being Harry, and I thought in Harry's shoes, not like Hermione because I'm sure she trusted Snape, but Harry never did.

I really love Rowling for being such a darling and putting in the ultimate theme as love. It was like, a confirmation, that love is really the most powerful force on Earth. And I remember, very clearly, how shocked I was as I read his chapter, because I was so awed by his devotion after so many years. And it scared me a little, how strong he felt for her even though so many years had passed. I hate being in love, being in a one-sided love for just... a month or so. How could I survive years? YEARS?!

Everyone deserves a post, but I will just want to say, I cried, most of the time, during the movie because of darling Alan Rickman as Snape. :) He has my respect as an actor! :D

Love, love, love <3

Harry Potter Deathly Hallows II - Completed.

Well, I haven't been back to post much really. To be honest, I've been much too lazy. I did have things to write or blog about; just like I could have written ten poems just last week. I just didn't bother sitting down and doing it.

Now, since I'm waiting for Chua Simin to finish blogging, I shall blog too.

Harry Potter.
I will never forget this name for as long as I live.

I don't know how to go about describing how I feel. Right now, I feel tears in my eyes (plus the fact that I'm listening to Tyler Ward's All The Wrong Places is not helping) and I really just don't know how to make myself get over this. I mean it's not such a huge omg-I-can't-breathe kind of blow, but it hurts, to have something end again.

(Jason just came back from 3-week trip to Taiwan, where he bathed only THRICE; describing his dirty clothes)
Jason: The moment I open my bag... -cringes-
Kaiming: Death cloud, everything around it starts to decay.
Me: ROFL. (turns to Cindy) Your boyfriend.
Cindy: (nods) I know.

Me: I won't have a house warming I think, because we only renting the place...
Kokswee: How about house cooling?
Me: -_-

MET THE SQUAD TODAY.

Oh honestly, it is so... repetitive to keep saying what I've said to everyone. But I guess its not a foolish random thought to be discarded.

Anyway, I feel... strange. To see myself now, 19 years old, and to remember though, very clearly how it was like to be 6, or 12 or 16.

How the hell did time take the world out from under my feet and shoved me into the future?

Weijie POP-ed today from BMT, with Terence, Kokswee, Liangwei, Beiqin,Haoyi, Weixun, Weicheng and many others. Jason and CK finally came back from Taiwan! Our squad lunch started with kokswee saying sorry to everyone hahahaha!

I'm way too happy about having Kokswee back to care about what happened to him (well, not THAT happy). I know if he wanted to tell us, he would, and if he doesn't he's not unreasonable and I hope whatever he was dealing with / is dealing with, its not too big a burden to bear. I'm glad he missed us too, so yeah, happy day today, really :D I told th I saw some really hidden sadness that made him more quiet than his little kiddy self in sec 2. I mean, its different from maturing, so I hope whatever happened, it's over and he's fine now. :)